I don’t know about you, but I usually look for key pieces of information when I’m about to drop $200 on a carpet. Things like:

• What color is it?
• What size is it?
• Is the pile thick and cushy, or rough and nubbly?
• Is it stain-resistant?

“Colorful design” is a start, but what colors are we talking here? Day-glo orange would really clash with my couch. And as a key selling feature: it spreads over the sitting room. As opposed to what? I’ve never seen a carpet that collapses into a 1-foot square as soon as you look away, but that would be a neat trick.

But at least it looks authenticm. I’ve had it with fakem-looking rugs.

This is a man who knows what he wants: chickens. A real no-nonsense sort, he doesn’t bother with small talk or waste your time telling you the reason he is in need of chickens. I mean, do you really care? Of course not–you’re neck-deep in chickens, and this guy can help you out. You should give him a call.

Now, I love a bargain just as much as the next person, and I appreciate the value of a good vibrator. But who on earth would buy a vibrator out of the classifieds? And for $40, no less? If I was that badly in need of a vibrator, I could just head down to my seedy local “adult books” outlet and pick up a model in the color of my choice–one that I don’t have to boil for an hour before using.

Can you just imagine the day of the sale?

Buyer: Hello, I’m here to check out the vibrators?

Seller: Ah, yes. They’re right back here in the bedroom. It sure is hot out. Can I get you some lemonade or anything?

Buyer: No thanks, I’m fine. So, these are the ones?

Seller: Yes, both of them are for sale. They haven’t been used in a while, but they both still run great. I even threw in some batteries. I hate to be getting rid of them, but I got a great deal on this super-deluxe model, and work has gotten so busy lately, and the kids are such a handful, that I don’t have time to use all three of them anymore…you know how it is.

Buyer: Hmm, the blue one looks pretty nice. Do you know if it’ll work underwater? [Buyer flicks the switch; a low buzzing sound emanates from the device.]

Seller: Oh, yeah, definitely. Maybe. I’m not sure, exactly, but I’m pretty sure they told me it was waterproof when I bought it. [Seller peers closely at the faintly buzzing phallus.] Yeah, you shouldn’t have any problems with it–it looks waterproof to me.

Buyer: You think so?

Seller: Yeah, see right there? And there? Those seals should keep water out just fine. If you want to be sure, I think I have some caulk out in the garage. I’ll throw that in for free.

The next week, I noticed the ad relisted without the miscellaneous household supplies. Hope springs eternal.